Things to do on a friday night when you’re broke, alone and have no plans.

Yep, it’s gonna happen. Soon, you’ll have to lie when people asked you what you did this weekend because you’re lowkey still tryna impress them. Also, making friends is hard when ya need to balance it out with that 8-5 job and you’ve only ever committed yourself to binge-watching Netflix.

  • Throw out all the clothes from your closet onto your bed with the intention of reorganising your closet.
  • Get tired halfway through because it’s a fucking magical neverending heap of clothes.
  • Ignore pile on bed. Make a lil space to lie down between clothes.
  • Watch netflix
  • Drink a glass of sherry by yourself.
  • Watch netflix slightly tipsy.
  • Paint on old newspaper because you can’t find any paper.
  • Watch videos on how to make origami.
  • Make an origami box.
  • Make an origami crane.
  • Put origami crane in origami box.
  • Make an overly sexual Snapchat video of yourself trying too hard.
  • Watch it and delete it.
  • Stalk strangers on Instagram.
  • Think about colouring your hair or getting an edgy haircut.
  • Look at stomach in mirror.
  • Text Mom
  • Mom replies that shes busy – she’s hanging out with friends and it’s friday night; get a life
  • Go through every single facebook message you ever sent
  • Think of sassy replies and wonder why the hell younger you didn’t have more balls.
  • Listen to music.
  • Find a song with lyrics that relate so you force some #feels
  • Write a blogpost.
  • Never spell check anything again cause GURL look at dis blogpost.
  • Find actual alive cricket’s in your room.
  • Shoo them out with phone flashlight, deoderant and lost of panicky squeels.
  • Accept defeat
  • Sleep.
  • Wake up and see friends still having fun without you
  • go back to sleep

The eeeeeend.

kewls.

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A Modern Day Dora

Yes. My thighs were itchy from chafing. Yes, I felt as if I had the entire “Bugs Life” cast chilling in my hair. Yes, I was anxious about the logistics of having to ‘go to the bathroom’ where there was a very obvious lack thereof and yes, I had the time of my life.

Growing up with a shameful amount of influence from Hannah Montana, I recall one of the questionable ‘deep’ and ‘profound’ things she taught my pre-adolescent self, was that “Life’s a climb, but the view is great”. Yet, on the other hand, I would hear that “it’s not about the destination it’s about the journey”. Needless to say, I’ve never been too sure about my relationship with hiking. Admit-tingly, I’ve never been one of those active types you would find smiling on brochures without a drop of sweat and an overenthusiastic thumbs up.

A while ago, if my life were to be described as a climb –  it felt steep and the view ended being average and questionably worth-it, as the sweat stung my eyes and made it foggy. Or, I probably would have forgotten my glasses and I would have had a far better experience staying in bed and binge-watching travel bloggers with a side-dish of depression. Things, however, changed a few months ago – when I packed my boots (that weren’t made for walking) and set off with a group of close friends to go on a two-day hike.

It was time for me to do something at least remotely active in my 22 years of procrastinating it, and we decided that adventure awaits. We chose to go somewhere close to home at the time and found The Two River Trail.  We were a small group which meant it would either be very relaxed, or I’d have to keep up, try and act casual and not annoy everyone with my heavy breathing.

As soon as we started our venture, I realized to my own surprise that I was stuck in a rut. A rut that was extremely good at hiding itself behind routines, laziness and lack of motivation. Taking a hike to make my self feel like a functional human being, however, was the last thing I thought would work. The best part is, I didn’t have to channel my inner ‘Bear Grylls’ to come to this long overdue awakening that nature, walking, fresh air and the beautiful outdoors actually made me happy. Like really happy. I had somehow forgotten that in the chaos of life, even when it wasn’t that chaotic. It made me feel alive. Fucking plot twist kids – the graphics are better in real life.

The scenery changed around every corner.  The entire walk felt as if I finally had time to think. Time to breathe. Time to listen. Time to be surrounded by absolute silence and time to experience the people around me in different settings. Not to sound cliché, but it isn’t very hard for the flicker of a bonfire to look more appealing than the artificial light from my phone. It wasn’t very hard for the sound of partying students in my apartment block to not stand a chance against the sound of the guitar echoing through the campsite, or my closest friends laughing with glasses of cheap red wine. It wasn’t very hard for me to notice how beautiful everyone around me was with the sun setting in the background.

There were times where we talked for hours, there were times where it was dead quiet. There were times where I was so lost in thought, that I thought that if I were to ever have any existential crisis ever again – I would just start walking.

Now, almost 8 months later, I still look back on that trip. But that’s the thing, I guess. It shouldn’t just be a trip, but rather a state of mind. You don’t need to go far either. The other day I literally just walked around my block, looked up for a while, and saw the trees, the mountain, the bright purple flowers, the faint smell of someone in the neighbourhood having a braai and the cars driving in the distance – all going somewhere else. Every little thing that is usually so easy to miss – so subtly demands your attention, and boy is it worth giving attention to.

 

 

 

 

 

 

What’s important and what’s not

 

Recently, I’ve been faced with a sneaky little curveball that life decided to throw my way. Now, I’ve never been particularly good at sports. Also, I don’t understand how I ever was expected to run, look at a ball, wear my glasses, not throw up, stop myself from crying and go through the intense rollercoaster of puberty at the same time – so sporting was hard, to say the least. Anyway, that being said – le curveball came, and it hit me straight in the gut.

Le curveball came in the shape of someone smashing my car window and stealing my handbag with a bunch of things that are just generally needed in order to be a functioning adult. (Also pls. I am aware that leaving said handbag in car was not the smartest thing in the world, but if it helps – I learnt my lesson so meh). In summary, it wasn’t nice, it was raining and I felt pretty fucking scared (as opposed to my general cool self?)

Anyway, long story short: here are some unimportant things I’ve learnt:

What doesn’t matter:

giphy

 

  • The entire world is on a tea break on Jan 1st
  • Reciting childhood memories to the bank is not enough proof without your passport, ID or drivers licence.
  • If anything bad happens on NYE, people’s first question will definitely include asking you how much you had to drink
  • Home affairs is closed on Saturdays which is an actual ball-ache.
  • Sending messages to your stolen phone saying ‘baby pls come back’ or ‘where the fuck are you’ does not help.
  • Forcing yourself not to cry is dumb and will result in you getting weird anxiety-related nausea.
  • Policemen won’t laugh if you say ‘’Guess I’ve started 2018 on expert level – I’m moving up. lol” and aren’t keen on small talk even if you explain to them that you use humour as a crutch in stressful situations. Okay.

So, after giving myself a day of throwing a lil pity-party, I put on my most gangsta tunes and reminded myself of the more important things that I’m still busy learning:

What matters:

giphy (1)

  • Spending time with people you love.

NYE was one of the best nights. I was lucky enough to experience the ocean, bonfires, the beach, fireworks and my favourite people. There is so much love surrounding me and that’s what should make you happy – nothing more, nothing less.

  • I am incredibly privileged.

Things are just things. It’s the value we put to it that messes with our brains. Everything that was stolen – is replaceable. What isn’t is the people around you. No one got hurt, everyone is healthy and breathing and around – that makes me the luckiest gal in the world.

  • Be in the moment

For some reason, what really got to me was the loss of all my photos, videos and general sentimental things. Including the actual handbag that was passed on to me by my great gran. This being said; losing these things won’t make passed experiences less valid. Although it’s nice to have – you don’t need to cling on to it. Focus on what is happening at the moment. Try your best to record it in your mind. I know it’s easier said than done, but I promise that having faith that things will work out and truly trying to be present feels like the biggest weight off my shoulders.

  • People are so friggen lovely

In a futile attempt to continue with the nifty sports metaphor – let’s just say my team took a hit. And by ‘team’ I mean me. Because let’s face it – as soon as something shitty happens, you convince yourself that you’re in it all by yourself because no one else is affected by it – wrong. The people around you care and love you, even strangers, feel losses with you. We’re all on the same team and we help each other. I am in awe of how many people dropped everything they were doing just to help out where they could. That they’re still helping. It makes my heart so happy to know that there are kind, generous, helpful and loving people in my life and that I can be the same to others.

  • It’s all good, baby, baby.

There are so many more important things in life than a temporary shitty situation. 2018 is all about focusing on the positive. There are really good things coming (I can feel it in my bones) and there are so many things to be grateful for. There are also so many people who are going through a much shittier time than I am. Usually, I hate saying this, because everything is relevant to your surroundings and extremely subjective. I’m not going to play hierarchy with the shitstorms of the world, but I am trying to remind myself of how much there is to be thankful for.

 

Anyway, that’s all lil nuggets.

sheep in the (not so big) city.

Plot Twist. I graduated and my time in University has come to an end. I’ve traded sleeping in, skipping classes and late nights out, for early mornings, a solid job and late nights staring at my new bedroom ceiling – contemplating how to make friends in a new city.

I’m not quite sure how I ended up with a job – but somehow I did. A great one. Now, I am forced to reshape the image I had in my mind about how I was inevitably fated to work in coffee shops, play gigs for extra beer money or sell second-hand clothes to close friends or family for the rest of my life. Anyway, the point is: I landed a pretty sweet deal and now I’m a working gal with working thangs (and I’m kinda freaking the fuck out).

New City, New People. Suddenly, your closest friends aren’t around the block anymore. I can’t show up at my best friend’s house at 2 am demanding that she listens to my melodrama about how I don’t know what I’m doing with my life after uni.

Point is; It’s time to grow up, or at least try. This hasn’t necessarily meant that I’ve changed (I mean every time the office phone rings I basically enter some kind of spiritual state – praying someone else answers the phone before I have to). But, it has meant that I need to show up. I need to focus on doing things the best I can. I need to work (surprise). I need to be someone that people can rely on. I need to try. I need to put on some big lady pants and act like I know exactly what I’m doing.

The last one has been especially hard considering I’ve had a few odd encounters where I accidentally get teary-eyed in public and ended up blaming it on hayfever or a rogue onion in the close vicinity.

So, as predictable as it is – things get lonely. Things get scary. You are continuously defining and redefining the person you are and the person you are becoming. But – I swear you will surprise yourself again and again with how much you can handle.

Until then – I’ve been keeping score of the little things around me:

  1. I don’t use Google maps to find my way home or my way to work anymore.
  2. I spent 45 minutes looking for my car in the parking lot – but when I found it, the car guard and I had a genuine laughing/bonding moment.
  3.  The people at work don’t forget my name or call me ‘new girl’ anymore.
  4. Sometimes I gotta skip lunch at work because it’s stress as balls but LOL SUMMER BODY HERE I COME.
  5. Because I’m perpetually lonely I get to eat pizza in bed at 2am with no one judging me.
  6. I answered the office phone the other day.
  7. I am learning so friggen much.
  8. I have a lovely boy in my corner, cheering me on from a distance.
  9. I’m getting better at making lists.

 

That’s all for now.

A writer with nothing to say.

I was in love with you, Writing. How embarrassing, admitting that we are strangers again. How embarrassing to admit that the way I boasted about you in public, the way I flaunted our intimacy to others – has come to this.

Crumpled up papers. Nothing.

We were lovers once and passionate words burnt in my throat like the hand rolled cigarettes I smoke to avoid you now. Like a passive aggressive teenager, I’ll avoid you when we walk pass each other in the street. I refuse to make eye contact, and when a close friend asks how you are doing, I avoid the question as if we never knew each other.

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A Step by Step Guide on Hitting Rock Bottom.

Guess what folks, everyone kinda feels like they don’t have any idea what they’re doing. In recent times of melodrama and existential crisis’s, I have decided to channel my inner Hannah Horvath from ‘Girls’.

A Total Fuck up (1)

I hear her unstable voice in the back of mind saying “I have work, then a dinner thing and then I am busy trying to figure out who I am”.

So – in an attempt to not sound like I am a mess of bad excuses here is a foolproof  guide to feeling a little bit better about where you’re at in life.

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