A letter of (un)motivation as to why you should pay me:

Suddenly, three years have passed by, like the countless nights that was set on fast forward by the double vodka lime’s. Now you’re here. In between your little pseudo adulthood, wrapped up neatly with a bow and the security blanket of mom and dad making sure you’re still okay – and the nitty gritty reality of the real world.

Now what?

I wish I had the answer – but instead, I will use my polished undergraduate humanities skills to try and romanticize my little existential crisis. If that doesn’t work, my next option is to deny the fact that I will ever have to face next year, and lastly, when next year hits me hard, like saturday morning hangovers, I will strongly consider becoming an academic and never leaving uni. – Sidenote: This would only be possible if I somehow manage to raise my class average to about 150% to balance out my neat, close cut 50’s from the last 3 years.

Another alternative, which is the one I am most drawn to (keeping the neo-colonialist teaching english abroad as a back up) is drawing up a letter to all future employers along with my CV (which will probably include me being class captain in 2nd grade).

It will read:

Dear Future Boss.

I’m not quite sure what you’re looking for, but I am pretty hopeful that I can convince you that this job has been my life long dream. Also, please do not quote me on any of this as I am extremely proficient in the art of denial.

Secondly, don’t worry about giving me efficient time before deadlines. I’m not sure about a lot of things, but I can promise you that I will leave all work till last minute, regardless of the scenario. I like to claim that this is because of working well under pressure, but in reality the final product is mediocre.

If this job entails answering or making phone calls, I am extremely talented in staring at the phone until it stops ringing.

I am very good at covering up tense situations with humor, without truly reflecting on the problem, which allows me to continuously avoid conflict but balancing it out with constant inner turmoil.

I will frequently blame my unproductiveness on needing a “personal day” which will consist of binge eating, listening to music that evokes nostalgic heart breaks and then proceed to think about what I want in life.

I have an incredible skill set of choosing appropriate mood music, and will be able to set the tone with my multiple playlists for any occasion, if needs be.

I can do pretty much anything with enough coffee in my system, including taking naps (a skill I have come to master).

If we have a work ‘group’ on whatsapp, I have some really good memes I would like to share.

So, text me if you would like me to be a part of your team, as previously mentioned, phone calls give me anxiety.

Kind Regards

A soon-to-be broke student




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